Wednesday, October 26, 2011

Holiday Inflatables

For some reason, in my 'hood, there seems to be an obsession among certain neighbors for those ridiculous inflatable holiday decorations.  And some of them are giant, AND some of them have LIGHTING... as in, special effect type lawn lights from Home Depot or some shit. Do you know how hard it is for me not to take a butcher knife and disembowel those freakin things?

I tell you what would be funny as hell:  build a giant litter box for the giant inflatable cat. Now THAT'S festive.

Sunday, October 16, 2011

Hope Solo on DWTS: Degradation With the Stars

 This is Alex, then, age 10.  The photo below hers is Hope Solo, world renowned athlete, #1 goalie in US and International Women's Soccer.  Uncanny, isn't it?

Hope Solo has been Alex's idol since forever.  Out of the 8 years Alex has played soccer, 7 of them have been as the goalie.  There are soccer posters covering her walls, including those of Hope.  So when we heard Hope would be on "Dancing With the Stars," something we'd never watched before, we tuned in.  We waited.  And we watched.

The segment with Hope began, with her stumbling around in the unfamiliar heels, dancing. She went thru the physical transformation first, with the big hair, the makeup, the dress.... a pink sparkly feathery number, backless and cut-to-the-ass-crack, "And," Hope explains to the camera, "with the sleeves specially designed to camoflauge my muscular arms."  Um. Oh.  Let me just say, Alex- age 12- worked all summer on her upper body strength, to have arms just like that.  The look on her face when Hope said that still haunts me.  Needless to say, that's when we stopped watching, and had a long talk about what we had just witnessed.

I've always taught my girls never to allow someone else to treat you in a way that degrades you.  Ever.  Now, thanks to this, we have another rule.  Never allow anyone to talk you into degrading yourselfEver.  What a fiasco.  Was any thought at all given to the millions of young girls that would be tuning in to watch their idol on this ridiculous show?  Apparently not.

I can't help but think this was probably a 100% success for some people.  There is now one less-powerful woman in the world.  And millions of little girls have a brand new shadow of a doubt when it comes to setting goals for themselves in the wonderful wide world of sports.  I'm really pissed off to feel this way.  As women, we cannot afford to take any more steps backwards.  Our daughters deserve better.  The women our sons or daughters grow up to marry deserve better.  We deserve better.

Final score?  Oppression 1, Hope Solo.. Zero.

Tuesday, October 11, 2011

oh, Ellen..

I never watch daytime tv, but oh.  When I do, I try to catch the Ellen Degeneres show.  I just love her!  And could those eyes get any bluer?  Nate Burkus tho, oh my.  Poor Nate.  Yes I know you're one of Oprah's finds.  Yes, you lost your man-love in a Tsunami.  But OMG who is producing your freakin show, honey?  You should talk to Ellen.

Bathroom Squats

Yep.  It's my new plan.  Every time I go to the bathroom, I've been doing 25 toilet squats.  It's to improve my "bottom line" so to speak.  I figured, what the hell, I must pee 5,000 times a day, maybe that's the key to my success.  I'll assign a number of squats to each toilet visit and see what happens.

Today so far I've logged (haha, "log") 125 squats.  Potty, flush and SQUEEZE.  Oh yeah.

Home Improvement Blogs.. Help

I'm a sucker for "Before and After" photos, and blogs are no different. There are quite a few Remodeling themed blogs out there, and I follow several. I am totally down with the whole DIY movement.. I myself have posted my own AMAZING remodeling project befores and afters after completely re-vamping my entire life with a $4 can of spray paint. If you follow remodeling blogs, you know what I'm talking about. However. There are SOME people out there that THINK they know what's up, but sadly, they haven't a fucking clue. I can't tell you how hard it is just to click the X and close the window, without leaving the comment I SO BADLY want to leave. This is what I would say.
Dear Remodeler,
Wow. It took a lot of fucking creativity to buy everything pictured at Home Depot. Your builder's grade fixtures are just the cat's meow. Thanks for nothing.

Dear Remodeler,
Am I the only one noticing that you only put one coat of paint there, when you needed at least two? Have you HEARD of primer? And by the way, ever LOOK at your photos before posting them for the world to see? Yeah. I didn't think so.

Dear Douchebag,
There is something called INFORMATION that goes between "Before" and "After." We're not fucking MIND READERS here, how did you DO. IT. DUH.

Unfortunately, most remodeling bloggers are pansy candy assed whiners that can't tolerate questions from me, so I am therefore reduced to venting here, on my own blog, where it's safe. Where I'm also allowed to yell FUCKOFF!!!!! Whew.

Philosophy Hates Me

This fucking class. OMG it's awful. I registered at the last minute just so I could keep my full time student status, never imagining the hell that awaited me there. The professor is adorable, really. I am about 20 years his senior. Actually that applies to most of the other students in this class as well, average age 19 or so. So I slunk in two weeks after the first class, knowing I was behind, and have been trying ever since to make SENSE of the subject. That's just the problem, tho. Apparently, philosophy is not about "answers"... it's about "the argument." What the. So how are we supposed to get GRADES in this class? Or are grades subjective as well. Good, you know what? Premise One: I get good grades. Premise Two: I paid for this class. Conclusion: GIVE ME AN A, before I have an aneurism! Valid. Sound. My work here is done.